The Spell Against Spelling (George Starbuck)

(a poem to be inscribed in dark places and never to be spoken aloud)

My favorite student lately is the one who wrote about feeling clumbsy.
I mean if he wanted to say how it feels to be all thumbs he
Certainly picked the write language to right in in the first place.
I mean better to clutter a word up like the old Hearst place
Than to just walk off the job and not give a dam.

Another student gave me a diagragm.
"The Diagragm of the Plot in Henry the VIIIth."

Those, though, were instances of the sublime.
The wonder is in the wonders they can come up with every time.

Why do they all say heighth, but never weighth?
If chrystal can look like English to them, how come chryptic can't?
I guess cwm, chthonic, qanat, or quattrocento
Always gets looked up. But never momento.
Momento they know. Like wierd. Like differant.
It is a part of their deep deep-structure vocabulary:
Their stone axe, their dark bent-offering to the gods:
Their protoCro-Magnon pre-pre-sapient survival-against-cultural-odds.

You won't get me deputized in some Spelling Constabulary.
I'd sooner abandon the bag-toke-whiff system and go decimal.
I'm on their side. I better be, after my brush with "infinitessimal."

There it was, right where I put it, in my brand-new book.

And my friend Peter Davison read it, and he gave me this look,
And he held the look for a little while and said, "George..."
I needed my students at that moment. I, their Scourge.
I needed them. Needed their sympathy. Needed their care.
"Their their," I needed to hear them say, "their their."

You see, there are Spellers in this world, I mean mean ones too.
They shadow us around like a posse of Joe Btfsplks
Waiting for us to sit down at our study-desks and go shrdlu
So they can pop in at the windows saying "tsk tsk."

I know they're there. I know where the beggars are,
With their flash cards looking like prescriptions for the catarrh
And their mnemnmonics, blast 'em. They go too farrh.
I do not stoop to impugn, indict, or condemn;
But I know how to get back at the likes of thegm.

For a long time, I keep mumb.
I let 'em wait, while a preternatural calmn
Rises to me from the depths of my upwardly opened palmb.
Then I raise my eyes like some wizened-and-wisened gnolmbn,
Stranger to scissors, stranger to razor and coslmbn,
And I fix those birds with my gaze till my gaze strikes hoslgmbn,
And I say one word, and the word that I say is "Oslgmbnh."

"Om?" they inquire. "No, not exactly. Oslgmbnh.
Watch me carefully while I pronounce it because you've only got two more guesses
And you only get one more hint: there's an odd number of esses,
And you only get ten more seconds no nine more seconds no eight
And a wrong answer bumps you out of the losers' bracket
And disqualifies you for the National Spellathon Contestant jacket
And that's all the time extension you're going to gebt
So go pick up your consolation prizes from the usherebt
And don't be surprised if it's the bowdlerized regularized paperback abridgment of Pepys
Because around here, gentlemen, we play for kepys."

Then I drive off in my chauffeured Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham
Like something out of the last days of Fellini's Rougham
And leave them smiting their brows and exclaiming to each other "Ougham!
O-U-G-H-A-M Ougham!" and tearing their hair.

Intricate are the compoundments of despair.

Well, brevity must be the soul of something-or-other.

Not, certainly, of spelling, in the good old mother
Tongue of Shakespeare, Raleigh, Marvell, and Vaughan.
But something. One finds out as one goes aughan.

from The Last Devil to Die, chapter 56 (Richard Osman)

What she really doesn't like, pay aside, is the teaching.  And, more specifically, the students.

There's one with her now, an identikit boy of around twenty, a first year, certainly.  He's called Tom or Sam, or maybe Josh.  The boy is wearing a Nirvana t-shirt, despite being born many years after Kurt Cobain died.

They are discussing an essay he hasn't written.

Autumn Journal IX (Louis MacNeice)

Now we are back to normal, now the mind is

    Back to the even tenor of the usual day

Skidding no longer across the uneasy cambers

    Of the nightmare way.

We are safe though others have crashed the railings

    Over the river ravine; their wheel-tracks carve the bank

But after the event all we can do is argue

    And count the widening ripples where they sank.

October comes with rain whipping around the ankles

    In waves of white at night:

And filling the raw clay trenches (the parks of London

    Are a nasty sight).

In a week I return to work, lecturing, coaching,

    As impresario of the Ancient Greeks

Who wore the chiton and lived on fish and olives

    And talked philosophy or smut in cliques;

Who believed in youth and did not gloze the unpleasant

    Consequences of age;

What is life, one said, or what is pleasant

    Once you have turned the page

Of love?  The days grow worse, the dice are loaded

    Against the living man who pays in tears for breath;

Never to be born was the best, call no man happy

    This side death.

Conscious - long before Engels - of necessity

    And therein free

They plotted out their life with truism and humour

    Between the jealous heaven and the callous sea.

And Pindar sang the garland of wild olive

    And Alcibiades lived from hand to mouth

Double-crossing Athens, Persia, Sparta,

    And many died in the city of plague, and many of drouth

In Sicilian quarries, and many by the spear and arrow

    And many more who told their lies too late

Caught in the eternal factions and reactions

    Of the city-state.

And free speech shivered on the pikes of Macedonia

    And later on the swords of Rome

And Athens became a mere university city

    And the goddess born of the foam

Became the kept hetaera, heroine of Menander,

    And the philosopher narrowed his focus, confined

His efforts to putting his own soul in order

    And keeping a quiet mind.

And for a thousand years they went on talking,

    Making such apt remarks,

A race no longer of heroes but of professors

    And crooked business men and secretaries and clerks;

Who turned out dapper little elegiac verses

    On the ironies of fate, the transience of all

Affections, carefully shunning an over-statement

    But working the dying fall.

The Glory that was Greece: put it in a syllabus, grade it

    Page by page

To train the mind or even to point a moral

    For the present age:

Models of logic and lucidity, dignity, sanity,

    The golden mean between opposing ills

Though there were exceptions of course but only exceptions - 

    The bloody Bacchanals on the Thracian hills.

So the humanist in his room with Jacobean panels

    Chewing his pipe and looking on a lazy quad

Chops the Ancient World to turn a sermon

    To the greater glory of God.

But I can do nothing so useful or so simple;

    These dead are dead

And when I should remember the paragons of Hellas

    I think instead

Of the crooks, the adventurers, the opportunists

    The careless athletes and the fancy boys,

The hair-splitters, the pedants, the hard-boiled sceptics

    And the Agora and the noise

Of the demagogues and the quacks; and the women pouring

    Libations over graves

And the trimmers at Delphi and the dummies at Sparta and lastly

    I think of the slaves.

And how one can imagine oneself among them

    I do not know;

It was all so unimaginably different

    And all so long ago.

from Bleak House, chapter XIII, Esther's Narrative (Charles Dickens)

[...] I thought it much to be regretted that Richard's education had not counteracted those influences or directed his character. He had been eight years at a public school and had learnt, I understood, to make Latin verses of several sorts in the most admirable manner. But I never heard that it had been anybody's business to find out what his natural bent was, or where his failings lay, or to adapt any kind of knowledge to HIM. HE had been adapted to the verses and had learnt the art of making them to such perfection that if he had remained at school until he was of age, I suppose he could only have gone on making them over and over again unless he had enlarged his education by forgetting how to do it. Still, although I had no doubt that they were very beautiful, and very improving, and very sufficient for a great many purposes of life, and always remembered all through life, I did doubt whether Richard would not have profited by some one studying him a little, instead of his studying them quite so much. 

To be sure, I knew nothing of the subject and do not even now know whether the young gentlemen of classic Rome or Greece made verses to the same extent - or whether the young gentlemen of any country ever did.

Bright College Days (Tom Lehrer)

Bright college days, oh carefree days that fly, 
To thee we sing with our glasses raised on high.
Let's drink a toast as each of us recalls
Ivy-covered professors in ivy-covered halls.

Turn on the spigot,
Pour the beer and swig it,
And gaudeamus igit-uh-tur!

Here's to parties we tossed,
To the games that we lost
(We shall claim that we won them some day),

To the girls young and sweet,
To the spacious back seat
Of our roommate's beat up Chevrolet,

To the beer and benzedrine,
To the way that the dean
Tried so hard to be pals with us all,

To excuses we fibbed,
To the papers we cribbed
From the genius who lived down the hall,

To the tables down at Morey's
(Wherever that may be) -
Let us drink a toast to all we love the best.
We will sleep through all the lectures
And cheat on the exams,
And we'll pass, and be forgotten with the rest.

Oh,
Soon we'll be out amid the cold world's strife,
Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life ...

But as we go our sordid sep'rate ways,
We shall ne'er forget thee, thou golden college days.

Hearts full of youth!
Hearts full of truth!
Six parts gin to one part vermouth!

from The Competition Wallah (G.O. Trevelyan), Letter XII and last, Education in India since 1835

The natives of India have, with marvellous eagerness and unanimity, abandoned the dead or effete learning of the East for the living and vigorous literature of England. Whoever can spare the time and money greedily avails himself of the instruction which we offer. 'To such an extent, indeed, is this the case' (I quote the Report on Public Instruction for Bengal Proper) 'that many of our best native scholars can write English and even speak it with greater facility than their mother-tongue'. Interest and ambition, the instinct of imitation and the thirst for knowledge, urge on the students; and, by the aid of a delicate taste, and a strong power of assimilation, their progress is surpassing to one accustomed to the very slender proficiency in the classical tongues obtained by the youth of England after a boyhood devoted almost exclusively to Xenophon and Cicero. Of two hundred scholars who leave Eton in the course of a year, it is much if some three or four can construe a chorus of Euripides without the aid of a translation, or polish up with infinite pains a piece of Latin prose which a Roman might possibly have mistaken for a parody of the 'De Officiis', composed by a Visigoth in the time of Diocletian.

from These Happy Golden Years (Laura Ingalls Wilder), chapter 2, First Day of School

Then she was so frightened that she said aloud, 'I've got to go on.' Black soft-coal smoke roses against the morning sky from the old claim shanty's stovepipe. Two more lines of footprints came to its door, and Laura heard voices inside it. For a moment she gathered her courage, then she opened the door and went in.

The board walls were not battened. Streaks of sunshine streamed through the cracks upon a row of six home-made seats and desks that marched down the middle of the room. Beyond them, on the studding of the opposite wall, a square of boards had been nailed and painted black, to make a blackboard.

In front of the seats stood a big heating stove. Its round sides and top were cherry-red from the heat of the fire, and standing around it were the scholars that Laura must teach. They all looked at Laura. There were five of them, and two boys and one girl were taller than she was.

'Good morning,' she managed to say.

They all answered, still looking at her. A small window by the door let in a block of sunshine. Beyond it, in the corner by the stove, stood a small table and a chair. 'That is the teacher's table,' Laura thought, and then, 'Oh my; I am the teacher.'

Her steps sounded loud. All the eyes followed her. She put her books and dinner pail on the table, and took off her coat and hood. She hung them on a nail in the wall by the chair. On the table was a small clock; its hands stood at five minutes to nine.

Somehow she had to get through five minutes, before the time to begin school.

Slowly she took off her mittens and put them in the pocket of her coat. Then she faced all the eyes, and stepped to the stove. She held her hands to it as if to warm them. All the pupils made way for her, still looking at her. She must say something. She must.

'It is cold this morning, isn't it?' she heard herself say; then without waiting for an answer, 'Do you think you can keep warm in the seats away from the stove?'

One of the tall boys said quickly, 'I'll sit in the back seat; it's the coldest.'

The tall girl said, 'Charles and I have to sit together, we have to study from the same books.'

'That's good; then you can all sit nearer the stove,' Laura said. To her joyful surprise, the five minutes were gone! She said, 'You may take your seats. School will begin.'